Carpe diem, quam minime credula postero

I managed to tilt the scales in my favour the past few days, as my mood has actually improved since I last blogged.

As promised I tried my best to remain positive, and it seemed to have worked. In the "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" book, she provides a 30 day plan to help you think positively, or to change your energy flow as she calls it, since she claims it's not an easy step, and I certainly am living proof of that.

The 30 day method requires you to come up with a flip switch topic; whenever you start to feel down or think negative thoughts, or start to dwell on all of life's worries that weigh so heavily on our hearts and minds and keep us up at night, you immediately and intentionally turn your thoughts to this flip switch topic. The flip switch topic must be something you are grateful for in your life, something about yourself that you appreciate. It can big or small, meaningful or insignificant ... literally anything you feel grateful for or appreciate in your life. 

The love of a pet

The roof over your head

Your sense of humour

A good bowel movement

Seriously ... anything. The point is you start to think about this other thing that makes you happy, and you must really feel the joy and happiness about this thing. If that other ugly thought starts to seep back into your brain, you push it out and go back to your flip switch.

You need to have one flip switch topic per day; don't jumble around between multiple flip switches.  Pick one each day and stick with it for the entire day. And you must come up with a different flip switch each day for 30 days. Believe me, that part is not easy !!  I'm less than half way through my stint and I'm really having a hard time finding things to appreciate; I think one day I was grateful that I have nice hair.

The point of this exercise is to get you in the habit of feeling good all the time and to stop you from dwelling on the bad things. As you know, the concept of the Law of Attraction is that if you think good thoughts good things will happen, and vice versa.  So if you continue with this "woe is me" behavior, you will never have good things come to you and you will never realize your dreams.  Of course we all know you can't just wake up one morning and say to yourself "enough with the misery, I'm going to think nothing but happy, positive thoughts from this moment forward". 

You know what they say - if it were that easy, everyone would be doing it.

It takes hard work and practice, hence the 30 day plan.  Even the author herself, who claims the Law of Attraction changed her life for the better in every way possible, admits that she still had to work at it and still had bad days now and again. But she learned to nip those days in the bud quickly and easily ... over time. 

So far all the books I've read so far on this topic claim the most important act is for you to practice the act of gratitude.  Stop focusing on the negative and be grateful for what you do have, and more good things will come to you.

If you recall I wasn't overly disappointed with the fact I haven't sold my house yet but grateful that I was getting lots of showings. Lots of traffic is definitely a positive. And although I assumed with Christmas just a few days away I wouldn't be getting much activity, I had 3 showings this past week alone - and I got an offer !! :)  My agent presented it Christmas Eve, and I signed back a counter offer. Of course with the holiday things are now delayed, but the offer is technically still on the books and I'm awaiting their next move. I also have another showing today.

I'm pleasantly surprised and excited about all the activity, especially this time of year.  At the same time though, I'm nervous.  Although the thought of getting this next step under my belt is exhilarating, I still have no idea where I'm going to live, so that's a bit scary.  This is definitely one of the biggest steps in my plan, so getting it done makes this all very real.  Keep your fingers crossed for me :)

Another reason I'm feeling better is because of the season. The fact that I was stoked for Christmas proves to me that what I feel sometimes is just plain old sadness and stress, and that I'm not clinically depressed.  The Prozac can wait thank you very much.  Yes I can get really down sometimes, and at times that mood can last for a while, but I can just as easily snap out of it, and when I'm busy socializing and doing fun things, I'm as happy as can be.  As corny as it sounds, I was excited about the event of the day and getting together with my family, eating and drinking and sharing some laughs. Not a lot of people can say this, but I love our family gatherings. They're big and noisy and crowded, but such good times. My family rocks :)

And even though I gained over 6 pounds this month alone (yes you heard me, six pounds in less than a month), I'm still feeling okay. The last week or so were not good in terms of diet and exercise, but yesterday I did my meal planning, stocked up my fridge again with all the good stuff, and designed my next workouts, which I start today, NOT January 1st.  Try as we might it's really hard to stay on track this time of year, not just with all the events and tempting treats, but also because of all the activity and hustle and bustle of the season. As long as I get right back on track I figure I haven't done too much damage. Let's see how long it takes me to lose those 6 pounds ... a helluva lot longer than it took to put on, I can guarantee you that !!

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire – George Sand

I'm on that emotional roller coaster again; man this is a bumpy ride !!

I'm not feeling depressed per se, but I'm definitely borderline.  I guess you could say I'm feeling tristful these days.  If you don't know, that means full of sadness; sorrowful - dictionary.com Word of the Day ;)

I’m also feeling unmotivated and once again questioning my decisions, and my vision is still clouded by those damned obstacles.  I have not been to the gym since last Saturday, and I don't even know why. And the studying?  It's been moving along, but literally at a snail's pace :(

I didn’t get that job I applied for, the Health and Wellness Coordinator, but that's not what's causing my sadness. I'm disappointed, sure, but I'm also realistic about it. My chances were slim to none so I wasn't really expecting any miracles.  I'm actually encouraged because I never really thought about that type of job specifically, so it's good to know they exist :)  And I'm also glad that it forced me to get my functional resume done. That was one of those awful tasks that you dread and therefore delay as much as possible, but now it’s done and I'm actually quite pleased with the result.

Still nothing to update on the house sale and I suppose that's a small contributor to my mood. I ended up getting 6 showings last weekend, my third weekend being listed, which is pretty darn good really, especially at this time of year.  One couple came Saturday and then back again on Sunday, so I was feeling really hopeful that an offer would follow, but unfortunately none came. Again I'm likely being overly anxious, but I guess with the holidays looming ever so close, I know that means activity will likely cease for the next several weeks.  Hopefully things will pick up in the New Year !!

If you remember I skipped out on that one job interview that a friend had set up for me, but then had another opportunity for what potentially could be part-time and/or temporary work.  I had also set up an appointment there that I cancelled as well, although I did call him the next day on the phone to follow up.  We had a very long conversation, talked very openly and in-depth about what we were both looking for, but ultimately decided not to pursue the opportunity any further at this point.  I was completely honest with him and told him I didn’t want to accept an accounting job at this time, even temporarily, that would distract me and very likely take me away from my newly intended path.

I had lunch with 4 former coworkers this week, and I told them about both these jobs and how I turned them down without even going to the interviews, and I got the “deer in the headlights” look across the table from the bunch of them, followed by a big, resounding “why ??”.  They all questioned my decision, and I could just feel their thoughts, thinking to themselves that I had made a big mistake.

Did I ?????

It’s soooooo hard staying motivated when you know everyone around you thinks the answer to the question in the name of my blog is a big, fat YES !!

Another obstacle that surfaced this week surprisingly came from one of the self-help books I’m reading that I bought with the intention of helping me find my new direction.  The book is called “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting”, by Lynn Grabhorn. 

I’m reading away one night, and really enjoying the book actually; the author has a very witty style of writing and getting her point across that I admire very much.  The last few chapters go into detail on specific areas of how you can use the Law of Attraction to better your life; in particular health, relationships and money.  When I got to the chapter on health, I read her statement on how at that moment she felt fantastic and was in the best health of her life, all thanks to the powers she speaks of in her book.  This peaked my curiosity; not because of my interest in health and fitness, but because I knew this lady had passed away a few short years after having written this book.  I wanted to know how someone who preached you can overcome literally any obstacles in life by practicing the Law of Attraction, and who claimed it changed her life for the better in every possible way, ended up finding their own demise. 

Well in a world where information is literally flowing in excess through the magic of the internet, finding the cause of death of this author of several best selling books seems to be shrouded in secrecy.  I could not find any concrete evidence about her death, but most of what I did find seems to indicate that this woman took her own life.  There is no official statement anywhere to be found, just blogs and personal commentary, all pointing to the conclusion that she committed suicide.  Some of the readings indicate that she got very ill with an incurable disease, so she partook in an assisted suicide to ease her suffering.  Others say that she had a calling and felt it was her time to depart this earth and move on to bigger and better things.  I can’t even figure out how old she was when she passed away.

I suspect the lack of information could be thanks to her publisher, because many people would certainly doubt her preachings on the wonders of the Law of Attraction if she did in fact take her own life.  It certainly would make one question the legitimacy of her theories; I know I did … do.  After finding out about Lynn’s demise and then jumping back into the book, I can honestly say my attitude towards the material changed. 

Remember when I talked about The Secret, I said that while I believe in the overall premise of positivity and “like attracting like”, I don’t necessarily believe it holds all the magical powers that it claims?

Well Lynn Grabhorn goes even a step further with the powers of the Law of Attraction.  She quite literally says that nothing happens by accident, you are never the victim of bad luck or being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that everything bad that happens to us is because we had a negative vibrational flow and were thinking bad thoughts, therefore bad things happened.  And we’re not talking simple things like stubbing your toe, or losing a job, or not having any money.

We’re talking car accidents, natural disasters, plane crashes, war, genocide !!!  Hitler wasn’t responsible for The Holocaust, it was 6 million or so Jews thinking negative thoughts all at the same time.

Wow … that’s a lot to absorb, and pretty fucking hard to swallow.

I’ve been trying so hard lately to remain positive despite the fact that my world that seems to be crumbling down around me. 

·         Be positive

·         Think good things and good things will come

·         Envision it happening and it will

Whatever !!!!! 

I tell you this is so hard to do in reality.  And of course all these books tell you that unless you genuinely believe it to be true and really know deep down it will come to you, it won’t ever come.  Is that their loophole?  Their way of saying that’s why it didn’t work when you complain you wasted money on their book of bullshit?  Or is it actually true?

For the time being, despite my rant above and my obvious apprehension, I’m going to try my little heart out to remain positive, knowing good things will come, and I will continue to convince myself that what I’m doing is the right thing for me, and that it will all work out in the end. Somehow.

I really have to … cause it’s all I got.

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been taking that quote to the bank lately.  If you recall I conducted a few experiments lately, one with exercise and one with supplements, and now I’m doing one with my diet and one with the scale … maybe I am bored ?!?!

I’m going to have to give the supplement experiment a big fail.  As I indicated when I first started taking them, I didn’t notice any sort of difference in my body at all.  The first product I took was a pre-workout drink that promised to deliver energy to help fuel me through the grueling workouts that lay ahead, but that didn’t happen.  Eventually my body became accustomed to the workouts and I wasn’t as tired as I was during the first week or two, but that’s just my body responding and getting more physically fit to endure them, I don’t believe the juice had anything to do with it.  One thing I did notice was that shortly after drinking it, I felt a tingling sensation in my fingers and hands.  You know that sharp, prickly feeling you get when your foot falls asleep ??  So obviously it was doing something, but what I don’t know.  It actually scares me that I can drink a product that has that sort of immediate and bizarre affect on my body.  I remember years ago, when ephedrine was still legal in Canada in larger doses, I used to take these pre-workout pills for the exact same purpose.  Now those pills definitely gave me a boost; I could feel my heart racing shortly after taking them, practically pounding right through my chest wall, and my whole body got jittery and I was bursting with energy.  At the time I thought this was a good thing; now I think I was just nuts for doing that to myself.

The second supplement was the recovery drink, which first and foremost was supposed to help me recover faster from my workouts, making me less tired and sore in the hours following.  FAIL !!  For the full 4 weeks I was beat up after the 2 hour workouts … if that drink actually did help I’m afraid to know how I would have felt without it.  Again it was supposed to do other stuff at the cellular level, but its stuff you can’t really prove, so I’m not going to fork over my hard earned dollars on something if I have no idea that it’s actually delivering on it’s promises.  Okay … hard earned dollars might be a stretch right now, but you get the picture.

Experiment # 2 was doing the 4 week advanced Phat Camp workout.  I never missed a day, and as for the workouts themselves, I give them a giant two thumbs up.  I noticed a huge difference in my body in those 4 weeks.  I lost 2 pounds, which I know doesn’t sound like a lot, but I really didn’t need to lose any weight.  So I believe the 2 pounds I lost was pure fat, and I leaned out a lot more in those 4 weeks.  I actually had several strangers at the gym, including women, come up to me and compliment me on my hard work and on how fit I looked – I gotta tell you that felt great and certainly is a great motivator.

Now all that being said, it’s been over a week since I ended that program, and the 2 pounds I lost have found there way back to my body.  So while I say the workouts themselves were great and I gave them a passing grade, there’s still a small part of me that hesitates to call it successful.  These workouts were crazy tough, and definitely not something anyone could continue indefinitely.  And as soon as I stopped doing them, what I lost (or gained, if you refer to my fitness), came right back as soon as I stopped them.  Yes I took 3 days off, but that’s perfectly normal and even good for you, but after those 3 days I got right back into routine again.  I actually maintained the basic weight workouts, but cut back on the cardio to ½ hour per day instead of 1 hour, and I combined shoulders and arms so I’m doing 4 weight training sessions a week rather than 5.  This makes it a bit more realistic and flexible for me.  So it’s similar to a fad diet in that regard; it got me the results I needed for the time being, but as soon as I stopped the results reversed themselves.  And like a fad diet, I ultimately stopped because the program is too tough to do forever and ever, and ultimately we naturally fall back into our regular routine, or at least to what's comfortable.

That weight gain is what prompted my next experiment with the scale.  Although I typically weigh in every day, I don’t record it except for Fridays, which I’ve deemed my official weigh in day and keep a record of those numbers.  Now I am recording my daily weight, just to see the fluctuations.  I started with my Friday weigh in, stayed the same for the first 3 days, then lost half a pound the next day, another full pound the next day, up 2 again, etc etc.  This is a risky experiment for those that put so much faith in the scale and let it affect their lives so drastically, however even though it’s hard for me to see those bigger numbers, I know better.  I’m doing this to prove to myself that I should not put so much merit into what I see on the scale, as the body’s weight can fluctuate greatly from day to day, even hour to hour.  Sometimes I weigh myself before I go to bed, and in the morning I’m 3 pounds lighter !!  I suppose if I was smart I’d just throw the damn scale away and forget about those blasted numbers, but being a life time accountant I can't do that.  It’s ALWAYS about the numbers.

New experiment #2 ... for the past 2 weeks, I stopped recording my calories on that website.  It’s been over 2 years since I started using the calorie count website, and about a year and a half since I reached my goal.  And even though all my readings and even the site itself tells you that to maintain, you shouldn’t have to record your calories daily, I still did this nearly every day since I started.  I found for myself, when I stopped recording, my brain would tell me that I could cheat a little, since it wasn’t written down and who would know the difference ?!?!  It doesn’t make sense I know, but that’s how my brain works.  Accountability remember?  But those little cheats would usually get bigger and sometimes free for alls, and that’s when my weight started to creep back up.  This week however, I’ve been keeping in line with a clean diet, but not counting.  I certainly do know by now how much I should eat to maintain my weight, and the daily weigh ins will show me if it’s working. 

Hopefully one day I can live in a world where I eat what I want, never get on the scale, and still be happy with my own body.

Dare to dream ...

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal - Henry Ford

I just realized it’s been nearly 2 weeks since I’ve written in my blog.  I want to say that I’ve been crazy busy and haven’t had time to write, because that’s certainly how it feels.  I kept thinking about updating it, but something always got in the way and I could never find the time.  However when I try and think back to what occupied my time, I can’t come up with anything of great significance. 

One thing that does amaze me though, is that now that I’m off work, some people assume that I’m sitting around doing nothing all day, and that I have all this leisure time on my hands.  I’ve even had people ask me “so what do you do all day, aren’t you bored?”.  My god no !!  These must be those same nutty people that win the lottery and still go back to work for fear of being bored … you know those freaks.  I’m actually amazed at how quickly my day fills up, and I wonder how on earth I got it all accomplished when I had a full time job.  There still is never enough time in the day to get it all done.

Unfortunately nothing to report on the house sale; I had several showings the first few days, a very unproductive open house over the weekend, and no action since then.  However I did have an agent inspection today and now another showing tomorrow, which I suspect is the same agent, so that’s a good sign.  I suppose I’m looking for miracles thinking I should have all these offers pouring in after less than 2 weeks on the market; we’ll call it being anxious rather than impatient ;-)

More good news though … I did get to cross off another big item on my to-do list, creating my functional resume, and that task was a lot harder than I anticipated.  I had done my regular, chronological resume shortly after I lost my job; but applying for jobs in the health and fitness industry require me to submit a functional resume, slightly different from the version we’re used to seeing. 

So the goods news is not only that I got this task completed, but that I had to as I applied for my first job geared towards my new career !!  It seems my blog has turned out to be useful, as a former coworker and friend that reads it regularly got wind of an opportunity and passed it on to me … thanks Linda !!!

To say I’m excited about this job is an understatement.  I wanted to tell them in my cover letter that this was my dream job, but I didn’t.  Enthusiasm is one thing, that statement may have been going a bit overboard.  The job is for a large insurance company that has their own gym in their workplace for their employees – the title is Health and Wellness Coordinator.  This is really everything I could possibly want in a job in this field.  And while I’m excited about this opportunity in particular, I’m trying not to get overly excited about it.  My chances are slim to say the least; I don’t have … well, any of the qualifications they requested in the job posting.  Okay that’s not entirely true, but I don’t have the major qualifications.  I still applied of course, because as they say in the New York Lotto commercials … hey, you never know.

As the title of my blog today states however, I have been presented with some obstacles of sorts that are trying to sway my psyche by tempting me with other more traditional, stable opportunities.  A couple of weeks ago, another friend presented me with a job opportunity where she works.  This company is a major player in the Accounting Auditor field, and the job was for an Accounting Manager.  I don’t know why, but I sent in my resume, then did a brief phone interview, and then they asked me in for another in-person interview.  I agreed at first, then after some major decision making in my head, I called and cancelled the appointment. 

I mentioned this to another friend at lunch one day last week, and she told me I was crazy :(  She said I was nuts to pass up a good opportunity that I likely had a very good chance of getting, especially when jobs are so hard to come by these days, and especially to give it up for something that is very risky and likely very hard to make a decent living at … damn her for putting those thoughts in my head !!  Am I crazy?  Was I a fool to pass up this opportunity ??  I dunno.  All I know was that if I went to the interview and they offered me the job I’d be tempted, and if I took the job, I would never realize my dream.  People have told me that perhaps I need to do that just to tide me over until I complete my courses, then perhaps I can start by doing some of the fitness stuff part-time, but personally I think that’s just a cop out.  I know deep down inside of me that if I do that, I’ll get in that comfort zone again, and I’ll never complete these courses and will just live out the rest of my days in a job that I hate, just because it’s there and it’s easy and it’s comfortable.  I’ve been avoiding even looking for jobs like that for this exact reason.

I think I just need to avoid these negative people.  No offence to my friends that are telling me this, I know their intentions are good, but I think some people are just risk takers and some are not.  Those non-risk takers think much like my father and the advice he repeated to me and my siblings since we were kids.  You finish high school, you get a job, and you stay there forever.  Although I decided on my own and went anyways, post-secondary education was not expected of me.  Being happy, enjoying your work, or feeling fulfilled are all just pipe dreams and inconsequential.  If you find a stable job that pays half decent, stay there forever until you die. I think I've been fighting this theory unconsciously my whole life. With the exception of my last job that I held for 11 years, my resume is thickly padded with my previous jobs, as there were many and I changed them often. I left those jobs for various reasons, but it always boiled down to me not being happy or fulfilled. I don’t blame dad, he’s just a victim of a time when this was the norm, so I tried, in vain, to explain to him that these days we don’t have to settle, we have options, and being happy is one of them !!

Then just this week I got another message from a friend and reader of my blog, offering another job opportunity as a Controller.  This one however, I may consider, because it’s temporary.  The job is actually replacing her, as she is on leave right now, so they are looking to hire a temp until she returns to work.  I corresponded with the owner of the company via email yesterday, and will be calling him and possibly meeting to discuss the opportunity further.  He is aware that I’m not really looking for an Accounting job and of my intentions to change careers, so it won’t hurt to discuss things, and maybe even arrange some part-time work ??  We’ll see I guess. 

I suppose under normal circumstances I’d be thrilled that these job opportunities are coming my way without any real effort on my part, but right now they are just blurring my vision and messing with my head.  I need to look past these obstacles, be strong and keep my eye on the prize !!