Since I’ve been off work, 64 days now to be exact, there are times when I find it sooooo hard getting motivated. To do anything. Today is one of those days :(
Yesterday I wrote in my blog how I was going to get up and make some more phone calls, do some research, come up with a plan of attack and take action. So far I’ve done nothing. I got up at 10 am today and the only reason I did that was because of the guilt that was nagging at my subconscious, knowing I was lying in bed when the rest of the world was out there making a living.
So I dragged my ass out of bed, got up and put on a pot of coffee. I read my email and surfed for a bit - not research, just junk: Facebook, Yahoo, and other various forms of useless information. I had a bite to eat, then went back upstairs for a nap. I don’t even have any proper food in the house. My meticulous planning of meals and groceries got pushed aside on the weekend in favour of drinking, football and other types of extracurricular activities … I’ve been living off cereal and PB&J for the past couple of days. I suppose it’s better than coffee and nicotine ???
In the first week of my unemployment I spoke on the phone to a former boss (we worked together a few years back at the place that fired me). He had left there and went on to another company where he was also fired. He warned me about the moods swings that would invade my psyche in the coming months; anger, sadness, confusion, depression, happiness ?!?! In that first week I experienced them all, and I naively thought that was it … even though he did warn they would continue for quite some time and that they would change daily. Man was he right.
Well today is a sad and depressed kinda day. I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything :( I had all these grand plans but they’ve all managed to fall by the wayside. And not just today; I’ve had quite a few of these days since I was fired. It’s pretty hard to stay upbeat and positive when something like this happens, even for me, Little Miss Sunshine. And my depression is bringing on feelings of anger, and I hate that !! I find anger such a useless emotion, and I really try and NOT let it enter my world. It serves no purpose whatsoever. But today, despite my efforts, I feel anger. I hate my former employer for what they did to me, and for forcing me into this situation. And I know in my heart of hearts that this is all the consequence of one selfish person. What a shame.
You may have noticed someone commented on my blog once and used the term ‘former employer’ in quotes as I have been doing throughout … a little tongue in cheek perhaps ?? Even though I am filled with anger and hatred towards them right now, and it’s likely that the majority of people reading this blog know exactly who that employer is, I won’t ever mention their name. I don’t see the point in blasphemy, or perhaps I’m just smart enough to know better ;-)
I started to write today’s blog entry early this afternoon, and then I took a short break to go to the gym. I’m sure feeling flabby and gross would not be conducive to my mood today, so I forced myself, each and every step of the way. Like most other days, I was glad I went, even though my endorphins failed to make an appearance today.
When I came back there was an email from my ‘former employer’ asking for me to return that book … remember the one I thought they didn’t give a rat’s ass about – The Secret ?? Well apparently they do … oh the irony of getting that request today !! And for that particular book too, the one that is supposed to wake me up out of my funk and motivate me to do bigger and better things with my life. I think I should hold off on my response, because I’m seriously tempted to tell them to go fuck themselves :O Okay fine, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t have that in me … I would never say that to them. It’s not working for me today anyways, so they can have their stupid book back. Bastards ;-)
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