In the absence of a vision there are nightmares

I’ve been sleeping a little better these days, but many nights when I finally lay my head down my mind starts to race and it just won’t stop.  Some nights I’ve convinced myself that I’m making the right decision and should move forward; other nights I come close to what I can only assume is a panic attack - my heart starts to race and I feel a tightening in my stomach and sleep becomes impossible.  I think I’m making a big mistake and should just go out, find a job in Finance and get on with my life.

I want to say “I’ve made many bad decisions in my life”, but that sounds so cliché.  Doesn’t everyone think that at some point or another?  We can’t always make the right decision every single time can we??  We often make bad ones, but as they say you should learn from them and move forward.  I just wonder if this is just another wrong decision that I will need to “learn from”.  God I hope not.

But regardless of these nagging feelings of fear and panic, I’m still moving forward as planned … crazy bitch !!!

On to some of the bigger steps I’ve done or need to do to start my new career:

Big step # one – I performed the dreaded B word, a budget !!  What an eye-opening and horrific task that proved to be.  To start, I needed to review what I’ve been spending my money on already, so naturally I created a spreadsheet :)  I went back one full year and went through every credit card statement and every bank statement and literally detailed each and every transaction into a list.  I categorized them as best I could and then further grouped this into the basic categories – housing, transportation, debt repayment, savings etc.  All I can say is thank goodness golf season is almost over ;-)

The way I see it, starting a new career with limited experience naturally means a reduction in pay from my Controller job after so many years of service.  This is a sacrifice I am completely willing to make.  It wouldn’t be the first time; I’ve left high paying jobs for lesser ones in order to be happy and content with the work that I did.  When I quit my job to go into real estate is a prime example; I had a great job … a growing company, all the freedom anyone could ask for, and a very decent salary at the time.  But I left because I was bored and unfulfilled, and I left for a job that essential earns you zero salary in the first few years.  When you’re taking the courses to get your license they warn you of this, but still I was willing to do what was needed to be happy. 

However things are a little different now; I’m single and I own my own home … I have a mortgage, some debt, and monthly bills like everyone else in the country.  But most importantly, I like to enjoy life.  When I separated from my husband I decided to buy him out and stay in the house we bought together, but I made myself a promise I would only stay as long as it didn’t suck the life out of me – I didn’t want to become what’s referred to as “house poor”.  If you don’t know, this is someone who spends a large proportion of their income on home ownership, leaving little else for other financial obligations or discretionary items.  But as I said I like to enjoy life, and I don’t want to go to work day after day only to come home at night and stay here alone because I can’t afford to go anywhere :(

So essentially I feel I have 2 choices going forward, and each of them comes with certain sacrifices:

1. Get another job in Finance paying the same or more than what I was earning at my previous job, thus being able to maintain my current lifestyle and stay here in my house.  However I think I’ve been pretty clear on how I feel about that - this means doing a job I really don’t want to do, so that would definitely be the sacrifice.
2. Pursue my new career path; take the required courses for nutrition and/or personal training, get a job in either of these fields (or both) at most likely a lot lesser salary, and therefore have to sacrifice in other areas of my life.

This may sound like a stupid and selfish decision, but I won’t sacrifice living my life.  I will not waste my life away sitting at home alone just so I can enjoy the benefits of home ownership.  You’ve all heard the saying a million times … life’s too short, and I am a FIRM believer in this motto.  I have no children and no spouse to burden me (no offense to all the married people with kids out there), so I have freedom that most people my age don’t, and I want … need … MUST take advantage of that.

So if I go with Option 2 (which of course we know is the plan), and I’m not willing to give up the nice car, the countless rounds of golf, the new clothes, the vacations and spa days and nights out with friends, it seems there’s only one other thing to sacrifice to make this work, which brings us to Big step # two … selling my house :O

This is the decision I’ve come to that has robbed me of my slumber for the past week or so.  I’m quite certain that I’m going to sell my house.  I’ve already met with a realtor and got an appraisal on my home, done the budget, and am currently investigating where I might live going forward.  My freedom does allow me a lot in this regard, and I’m pretty much willing to relocate anywhere, as long as the weather isn’t any worse than it is here – I need to get in at least a few months of golf every year, preferably more ;-)

I still have a bit more research to do before the sign goes up on the lawn, but I’m about 90% certain I’m going to do this.  I’m going to check a bit further about job prospects in my newly chosen fields and how much I might expect to get paid, combine that with my budget and projected monthly expenses, and I would also like to talk to a financial advisor if possible.  Truth be told, I’ve wanted out of this house for a very long time.  The house itself is okay, and I’ve done a lot of work to it, but it’s certainly not my dream home, and I really hate the neighborhood … so what on earth am I clinging to ??  Buying out my husband and staying here is a great example of a past bad decision, so I’m hoping to correct that now. 

Perhaps now that I’ve voiced my intentions and let it all out (and for the record, I can't believe I've let it all out !!), I’ll be able to get a decent night’s sleep tonight.  And if that doesn’t help, there’s always wine :)