At the risk of alienating some of my friends that may read this post and are guilty of the forthcoming abominations, I feel the need to blog about certain obstacles that I continually encounter in my quest for finding my inner peace … my Zen … my Yin and my Yang !!
I’m referring of course to diet and exercise, and my constant, constant battle with these elements every single day of my life.
Do you ever find when you are trying to make improvements in your life, or make yourself a better person in some way, shape or form, that there are always people out there ... and interestingly enough your friends, that try and sabotage your efforts?
I can't tell you how many times I've been trying to make plans with someone, and while arranging our schedules around my workout, they say to me "just skip it". Or when I say no if offered a tempting yet fattening treat, they say "oh c'mon, you can afford it". Are these people really trying to help me, or are they secretly trying to make me fail?
I hear it all the time; people telling me that I look great and I don't need to worry so much about diet and exercise, and while I appreciate their encouragement and support, I actually get a little bit angry when I hear these comments.
While their sentiments are nice, ultimately how they see me doesn't really matter in the long run. I’m sorry, I know that sounds cold and callous, but it's true. And if you ask me, that’s a healthier way to think. I shouldn't be basing my efforts in life or even my overall happiness for that matter on how others perceive me; I need to be happy with myself. Bottom line.
While certain others perceive me as fit or even skinny, I don't see that at all. Yes, I'm aware that sometimes there is a sickness of the mind, where your own vision is distorted and that we are all much harsher on ourselves than others, but I know right now this is not the case. Just one short year ago I was VERY happy with how I looked and had no problem with what I saw in the mirror. And no offense to those people who tell me I look great, but they haven't seen me naked.
I want that image back again so badly it hurts :(
But while I want it so desperately, I honestly don't know if I have what it takes to get there. I feel like I'm in diet purgatory; I know what I must do to get where I want to be, but not only do I feel I'm lacking the oomph, I also don't think I have the desire. I don't want to have the perfect diet where I rarely, if ever allow myself to enjoy all the pleasures good food and drink have to offer. My way is much more fun :)
Back last fall while contemplating my career change, I commented how fitness and good nutrition don’t come naturally to me, and now that I’m surrounded by others who do this for a living, I’ve confirmed my suspicions. I watch these people daily and observe how healthy eating and regular exercise are just a part of their lives, like they don't even have to think about it. I hardly think they have this never ending battle going on inside their heads, weighing out the pros and cons of every little morsel that passes their lips, then beating themselves up with guilt after they've made the "wrong" decision.
Perhaps my anger towards my sabotaging friends is really a deflection; I'm angry because when they tell me to skip the workouts or indulge in the evil yet delicious foods, I really really REALLY want to do just that.
Heaven help me.
