We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire – George Sand

I'm on that emotional roller coaster again; man this is a bumpy ride !!

I'm not feeling depressed per se, but I'm definitely borderline.  I guess you could say I'm feeling tristful these days.  If you don't know, that means full of sadness; sorrowful - dictionary.com Word of the Day ;)

I’m also feeling unmotivated and once again questioning my decisions, and my vision is still clouded by those damned obstacles.  I have not been to the gym since last Saturday, and I don't even know why. And the studying?  It's been moving along, but literally at a snail's pace :(

I didn’t get that job I applied for, the Health and Wellness Coordinator, but that's not what's causing my sadness. I'm disappointed, sure, but I'm also realistic about it. My chances were slim to none so I wasn't really expecting any miracles.  I'm actually encouraged because I never really thought about that type of job specifically, so it's good to know they exist :)  And I'm also glad that it forced me to get my functional resume done. That was one of those awful tasks that you dread and therefore delay as much as possible, but now it’s done and I'm actually quite pleased with the result.

Still nothing to update on the house sale and I suppose that's a small contributor to my mood. I ended up getting 6 showings last weekend, my third weekend being listed, which is pretty darn good really, especially at this time of year.  One couple came Saturday and then back again on Sunday, so I was feeling really hopeful that an offer would follow, but unfortunately none came. Again I'm likely being overly anxious, but I guess with the holidays looming ever so close, I know that means activity will likely cease for the next several weeks.  Hopefully things will pick up in the New Year !!

If you remember I skipped out on that one job interview that a friend had set up for me, but then had another opportunity for what potentially could be part-time and/or temporary work.  I had also set up an appointment there that I cancelled as well, although I did call him the next day on the phone to follow up.  We had a very long conversation, talked very openly and in-depth about what we were both looking for, but ultimately decided not to pursue the opportunity any further at this point.  I was completely honest with him and told him I didn’t want to accept an accounting job at this time, even temporarily, that would distract me and very likely take me away from my newly intended path.

I had lunch with 4 former coworkers this week, and I told them about both these jobs and how I turned them down without even going to the interviews, and I got the “deer in the headlights” look across the table from the bunch of them, followed by a big, resounding “why ??”.  They all questioned my decision, and I could just feel their thoughts, thinking to themselves that I had made a big mistake.

Did I ?????

It’s soooooo hard staying motivated when you know everyone around you thinks the answer to the question in the name of my blog is a big, fat YES !!

Another obstacle that surfaced this week surprisingly came from one of the self-help books I’m reading that I bought with the intention of helping me find my new direction.  The book is called “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting”, by Lynn Grabhorn. 

I’m reading away one night, and really enjoying the book actually; the author has a very witty style of writing and getting her point across that I admire very much.  The last few chapters go into detail on specific areas of how you can use the Law of Attraction to better your life; in particular health, relationships and money.  When I got to the chapter on health, I read her statement on how at that moment she felt fantastic and was in the best health of her life, all thanks to the powers she speaks of in her book.  This peaked my curiosity; not because of my interest in health and fitness, but because I knew this lady had passed away a few short years after having written this book.  I wanted to know how someone who preached you can overcome literally any obstacles in life by practicing the Law of Attraction, and who claimed it changed her life for the better in every possible way, ended up finding their own demise. 

Well in a world where information is literally flowing in excess through the magic of the internet, finding the cause of death of this author of several best selling books seems to be shrouded in secrecy.  I could not find any concrete evidence about her death, but most of what I did find seems to indicate that this woman took her own life.  There is no official statement anywhere to be found, just blogs and personal commentary, all pointing to the conclusion that she committed suicide.  Some of the readings indicate that she got very ill with an incurable disease, so she partook in an assisted suicide to ease her suffering.  Others say that she had a calling and felt it was her time to depart this earth and move on to bigger and better things.  I can’t even figure out how old she was when she passed away.

I suspect the lack of information could be thanks to her publisher, because many people would certainly doubt her preachings on the wonders of the Law of Attraction if she did in fact take her own life.  It certainly would make one question the legitimacy of her theories; I know I did … do.  After finding out about Lynn’s demise and then jumping back into the book, I can honestly say my attitude towards the material changed. 

Remember when I talked about The Secret, I said that while I believe in the overall premise of positivity and “like attracting like”, I don’t necessarily believe it holds all the magical powers that it claims?

Well Lynn Grabhorn goes even a step further with the powers of the Law of Attraction.  She quite literally says that nothing happens by accident, you are never the victim of bad luck or being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that everything bad that happens to us is because we had a negative vibrational flow and were thinking bad thoughts, therefore bad things happened.  And we’re not talking simple things like stubbing your toe, or losing a job, or not having any money.

We’re talking car accidents, natural disasters, plane crashes, war, genocide !!!  Hitler wasn’t responsible for The Holocaust, it was 6 million or so Jews thinking negative thoughts all at the same time.

Wow … that’s a lot to absorb, and pretty fucking hard to swallow.

I’ve been trying so hard lately to remain positive despite the fact that my world that seems to be crumbling down around me. 

·         Be positive

·         Think good things and good things will come

·         Envision it happening and it will

Whatever !!!!! 

I tell you this is so hard to do in reality.  And of course all these books tell you that unless you genuinely believe it to be true and really know deep down it will come to you, it won’t ever come.  Is that their loophole?  Their way of saying that’s why it didn’t work when you complain you wasted money on their book of bullshit?  Or is it actually true?

For the time being, despite my rant above and my obvious apprehension, I’m going to try my little heart out to remain positive, knowing good things will come, and I will continue to convince myself that what I’m doing is the right thing for me, and that it will all work out in the end. Somehow.

I really have to … cause it’s all I got.