Carpe diem, quam minime credula postero

I managed to tilt the scales in my favour the past few days, as my mood has actually improved since I last blogged.

As promised I tried my best to remain positive, and it seemed to have worked. In the "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" book, she provides a 30 day plan to help you think positively, or to change your energy flow as she calls it, since she claims it's not an easy step, and I certainly am living proof of that.

The 30 day method requires you to come up with a flip switch topic; whenever you start to feel down or think negative thoughts, or start to dwell on all of life's worries that weigh so heavily on our hearts and minds and keep us up at night, you immediately and intentionally turn your thoughts to this flip switch topic. The flip switch topic must be something you are grateful for in your life, something about yourself that you appreciate. It can big or small, meaningful or insignificant ... literally anything you feel grateful for or appreciate in your life. 

The love of a pet

The roof over your head

Your sense of humour

A good bowel movement

Seriously ... anything. The point is you start to think about this other thing that makes you happy, and you must really feel the joy and happiness about this thing. If that other ugly thought starts to seep back into your brain, you push it out and go back to your flip switch.

You need to have one flip switch topic per day; don't jumble around between multiple flip switches.  Pick one each day and stick with it for the entire day. And you must come up with a different flip switch each day for 30 days. Believe me, that part is not easy !!  I'm less than half way through my stint and I'm really having a hard time finding things to appreciate; I think one day I was grateful that I have nice hair.

The point of this exercise is to get you in the habit of feeling good all the time and to stop you from dwelling on the bad things. As you know, the concept of the Law of Attraction is that if you think good thoughts good things will happen, and vice versa.  So if you continue with this "woe is me" behavior, you will never have good things come to you and you will never realize your dreams.  Of course we all know you can't just wake up one morning and say to yourself "enough with the misery, I'm going to think nothing but happy, positive thoughts from this moment forward". 

You know what they say - if it were that easy, everyone would be doing it.

It takes hard work and practice, hence the 30 day plan.  Even the author herself, who claims the Law of Attraction changed her life for the better in every way possible, admits that she still had to work at it and still had bad days now and again. But she learned to nip those days in the bud quickly and easily ... over time. 

So far all the books I've read so far on this topic claim the most important act is for you to practice the act of gratitude.  Stop focusing on the negative and be grateful for what you do have, and more good things will come to you.

If you recall I wasn't overly disappointed with the fact I haven't sold my house yet but grateful that I was getting lots of showings. Lots of traffic is definitely a positive. And although I assumed with Christmas just a few days away I wouldn't be getting much activity, I had 3 showings this past week alone - and I got an offer !! :)  My agent presented it Christmas Eve, and I signed back a counter offer. Of course with the holiday things are now delayed, but the offer is technically still on the books and I'm awaiting their next move. I also have another showing today.

I'm pleasantly surprised and excited about all the activity, especially this time of year.  At the same time though, I'm nervous.  Although the thought of getting this next step under my belt is exhilarating, I still have no idea where I'm going to live, so that's a bit scary.  This is definitely one of the biggest steps in my plan, so getting it done makes this all very real.  Keep your fingers crossed for me :)

Another reason I'm feeling better is because of the season. The fact that I was stoked for Christmas proves to me that what I feel sometimes is just plain old sadness and stress, and that I'm not clinically depressed.  The Prozac can wait thank you very much.  Yes I can get really down sometimes, and at times that mood can last for a while, but I can just as easily snap out of it, and when I'm busy socializing and doing fun things, I'm as happy as can be.  As corny as it sounds, I was excited about the event of the day and getting together with my family, eating and drinking and sharing some laughs. Not a lot of people can say this, but I love our family gatherings. They're big and noisy and crowded, but such good times. My family rocks :)

And even though I gained over 6 pounds this month alone (yes you heard me, six pounds in less than a month), I'm still feeling okay. The last week or so were not good in terms of diet and exercise, but yesterday I did my meal planning, stocked up my fridge again with all the good stuff, and designed my next workouts, which I start today, NOT January 1st.  Try as we might it's really hard to stay on track this time of year, not just with all the events and tempting treats, but also because of all the activity and hustle and bustle of the season. As long as I get right back on track I figure I haven't done too much damage. Let's see how long it takes me to lose those 6 pounds ... a helluva lot longer than it took to put on, I can guarantee you that !!

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire – George Sand

I'm on that emotional roller coaster again; man this is a bumpy ride !!

I'm not feeling depressed per se, but I'm definitely borderline.  I guess you could say I'm feeling tristful these days.  If you don't know, that means full of sadness; sorrowful - dictionary.com Word of the Day ;)

I’m also feeling unmotivated and once again questioning my decisions, and my vision is still clouded by those damned obstacles.  I have not been to the gym since last Saturday, and I don't even know why. And the studying?  It's been moving along, but literally at a snail's pace :(

I didn’t get that job I applied for, the Health and Wellness Coordinator, but that's not what's causing my sadness. I'm disappointed, sure, but I'm also realistic about it. My chances were slim to none so I wasn't really expecting any miracles.  I'm actually encouraged because I never really thought about that type of job specifically, so it's good to know they exist :)  And I'm also glad that it forced me to get my functional resume done. That was one of those awful tasks that you dread and therefore delay as much as possible, but now it’s done and I'm actually quite pleased with the result.

Still nothing to update on the house sale and I suppose that's a small contributor to my mood. I ended up getting 6 showings last weekend, my third weekend being listed, which is pretty darn good really, especially at this time of year.  One couple came Saturday and then back again on Sunday, so I was feeling really hopeful that an offer would follow, but unfortunately none came. Again I'm likely being overly anxious, but I guess with the holidays looming ever so close, I know that means activity will likely cease for the next several weeks.  Hopefully things will pick up in the New Year !!

If you remember I skipped out on that one job interview that a friend had set up for me, but then had another opportunity for what potentially could be part-time and/or temporary work.  I had also set up an appointment there that I cancelled as well, although I did call him the next day on the phone to follow up.  We had a very long conversation, talked very openly and in-depth about what we were both looking for, but ultimately decided not to pursue the opportunity any further at this point.  I was completely honest with him and told him I didn’t want to accept an accounting job at this time, even temporarily, that would distract me and very likely take me away from my newly intended path.

I had lunch with 4 former coworkers this week, and I told them about both these jobs and how I turned them down without even going to the interviews, and I got the “deer in the headlights” look across the table from the bunch of them, followed by a big, resounding “why ??”.  They all questioned my decision, and I could just feel their thoughts, thinking to themselves that I had made a big mistake.

Did I ?????

It’s soooooo hard staying motivated when you know everyone around you thinks the answer to the question in the name of my blog is a big, fat YES !!

Another obstacle that surfaced this week surprisingly came from one of the self-help books I’m reading that I bought with the intention of helping me find my new direction.  The book is called “Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting”, by Lynn Grabhorn. 

I’m reading away one night, and really enjoying the book actually; the author has a very witty style of writing and getting her point across that I admire very much.  The last few chapters go into detail on specific areas of how you can use the Law of Attraction to better your life; in particular health, relationships and money.  When I got to the chapter on health, I read her statement on how at that moment she felt fantastic and was in the best health of her life, all thanks to the powers she speaks of in her book.  This peaked my curiosity; not because of my interest in health and fitness, but because I knew this lady had passed away a few short years after having written this book.  I wanted to know how someone who preached you can overcome literally any obstacles in life by practicing the Law of Attraction, and who claimed it changed her life for the better in every possible way, ended up finding their own demise. 

Well in a world where information is literally flowing in excess through the magic of the internet, finding the cause of death of this author of several best selling books seems to be shrouded in secrecy.  I could not find any concrete evidence about her death, but most of what I did find seems to indicate that this woman took her own life.  There is no official statement anywhere to be found, just blogs and personal commentary, all pointing to the conclusion that she committed suicide.  Some of the readings indicate that she got very ill with an incurable disease, so she partook in an assisted suicide to ease her suffering.  Others say that she had a calling and felt it was her time to depart this earth and move on to bigger and better things.  I can’t even figure out how old she was when she passed away.

I suspect the lack of information could be thanks to her publisher, because many people would certainly doubt her preachings on the wonders of the Law of Attraction if she did in fact take her own life.  It certainly would make one question the legitimacy of her theories; I know I did … do.  After finding out about Lynn’s demise and then jumping back into the book, I can honestly say my attitude towards the material changed. 

Remember when I talked about The Secret, I said that while I believe in the overall premise of positivity and “like attracting like”, I don’t necessarily believe it holds all the magical powers that it claims?

Well Lynn Grabhorn goes even a step further with the powers of the Law of Attraction.  She quite literally says that nothing happens by accident, you are never the victim of bad luck or being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that everything bad that happens to us is because we had a negative vibrational flow and were thinking bad thoughts, therefore bad things happened.  And we’re not talking simple things like stubbing your toe, or losing a job, or not having any money.

We’re talking car accidents, natural disasters, plane crashes, war, genocide !!!  Hitler wasn’t responsible for The Holocaust, it was 6 million or so Jews thinking negative thoughts all at the same time.

Wow … that’s a lot to absorb, and pretty fucking hard to swallow.

I’ve been trying so hard lately to remain positive despite the fact that my world that seems to be crumbling down around me. 

·         Be positive

·         Think good things and good things will come

·         Envision it happening and it will

Whatever !!!!! 

I tell you this is so hard to do in reality.  And of course all these books tell you that unless you genuinely believe it to be true and really know deep down it will come to you, it won’t ever come.  Is that their loophole?  Their way of saying that’s why it didn’t work when you complain you wasted money on their book of bullshit?  Or is it actually true?

For the time being, despite my rant above and my obvious apprehension, I’m going to try my little heart out to remain positive, knowing good things will come, and I will continue to convince myself that what I’m doing is the right thing for me, and that it will all work out in the end. Somehow.

I really have to … cause it’s all I got.

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been taking that quote to the bank lately.  If you recall I conducted a few experiments lately, one with exercise and one with supplements, and now I’m doing one with my diet and one with the scale … maybe I am bored ?!?!

I’m going to have to give the supplement experiment a big fail.  As I indicated when I first started taking them, I didn’t notice any sort of difference in my body at all.  The first product I took was a pre-workout drink that promised to deliver energy to help fuel me through the grueling workouts that lay ahead, but that didn’t happen.  Eventually my body became accustomed to the workouts and I wasn’t as tired as I was during the first week or two, but that’s just my body responding and getting more physically fit to endure them, I don’t believe the juice had anything to do with it.  One thing I did notice was that shortly after drinking it, I felt a tingling sensation in my fingers and hands.  You know that sharp, prickly feeling you get when your foot falls asleep ??  So obviously it was doing something, but what I don’t know.  It actually scares me that I can drink a product that has that sort of immediate and bizarre affect on my body.  I remember years ago, when ephedrine was still legal in Canada in larger doses, I used to take these pre-workout pills for the exact same purpose.  Now those pills definitely gave me a boost; I could feel my heart racing shortly after taking them, practically pounding right through my chest wall, and my whole body got jittery and I was bursting with energy.  At the time I thought this was a good thing; now I think I was just nuts for doing that to myself.

The second supplement was the recovery drink, which first and foremost was supposed to help me recover faster from my workouts, making me less tired and sore in the hours following.  FAIL !!  For the full 4 weeks I was beat up after the 2 hour workouts … if that drink actually did help I’m afraid to know how I would have felt without it.  Again it was supposed to do other stuff at the cellular level, but its stuff you can’t really prove, so I’m not going to fork over my hard earned dollars on something if I have no idea that it’s actually delivering on it’s promises.  Okay … hard earned dollars might be a stretch right now, but you get the picture.

Experiment # 2 was doing the 4 week advanced Phat Camp workout.  I never missed a day, and as for the workouts themselves, I give them a giant two thumbs up.  I noticed a huge difference in my body in those 4 weeks.  I lost 2 pounds, which I know doesn’t sound like a lot, but I really didn’t need to lose any weight.  So I believe the 2 pounds I lost was pure fat, and I leaned out a lot more in those 4 weeks.  I actually had several strangers at the gym, including women, come up to me and compliment me on my hard work and on how fit I looked – I gotta tell you that felt great and certainly is a great motivator.

Now all that being said, it’s been over a week since I ended that program, and the 2 pounds I lost have found there way back to my body.  So while I say the workouts themselves were great and I gave them a passing grade, there’s still a small part of me that hesitates to call it successful.  These workouts were crazy tough, and definitely not something anyone could continue indefinitely.  And as soon as I stopped doing them, what I lost (or gained, if you refer to my fitness), came right back as soon as I stopped them.  Yes I took 3 days off, but that’s perfectly normal and even good for you, but after those 3 days I got right back into routine again.  I actually maintained the basic weight workouts, but cut back on the cardio to ½ hour per day instead of 1 hour, and I combined shoulders and arms so I’m doing 4 weight training sessions a week rather than 5.  This makes it a bit more realistic and flexible for me.  So it’s similar to a fad diet in that regard; it got me the results I needed for the time being, but as soon as I stopped the results reversed themselves.  And like a fad diet, I ultimately stopped because the program is too tough to do forever and ever, and ultimately we naturally fall back into our regular routine, or at least to what's comfortable.

That weight gain is what prompted my next experiment with the scale.  Although I typically weigh in every day, I don’t record it except for Fridays, which I’ve deemed my official weigh in day and keep a record of those numbers.  Now I am recording my daily weight, just to see the fluctuations.  I started with my Friday weigh in, stayed the same for the first 3 days, then lost half a pound the next day, another full pound the next day, up 2 again, etc etc.  This is a risky experiment for those that put so much faith in the scale and let it affect their lives so drastically, however even though it’s hard for me to see those bigger numbers, I know better.  I’m doing this to prove to myself that I should not put so much merit into what I see on the scale, as the body’s weight can fluctuate greatly from day to day, even hour to hour.  Sometimes I weigh myself before I go to bed, and in the morning I’m 3 pounds lighter !!  I suppose if I was smart I’d just throw the damn scale away and forget about those blasted numbers, but being a life time accountant I can't do that.  It’s ALWAYS about the numbers.

New experiment #2 ... for the past 2 weeks, I stopped recording my calories on that website.  It’s been over 2 years since I started using the calorie count website, and about a year and a half since I reached my goal.  And even though all my readings and even the site itself tells you that to maintain, you shouldn’t have to record your calories daily, I still did this nearly every day since I started.  I found for myself, when I stopped recording, my brain would tell me that I could cheat a little, since it wasn’t written down and who would know the difference ?!?!  It doesn’t make sense I know, but that’s how my brain works.  Accountability remember?  But those little cheats would usually get bigger and sometimes free for alls, and that’s when my weight started to creep back up.  This week however, I’ve been keeping in line with a clean diet, but not counting.  I certainly do know by now how much I should eat to maintain my weight, and the daily weigh ins will show me if it’s working. 

Hopefully one day I can live in a world where I eat what I want, never get on the scale, and still be happy with my own body.

Dare to dream ...

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal - Henry Ford

I just realized it’s been nearly 2 weeks since I’ve written in my blog.  I want to say that I’ve been crazy busy and haven’t had time to write, because that’s certainly how it feels.  I kept thinking about updating it, but something always got in the way and I could never find the time.  However when I try and think back to what occupied my time, I can’t come up with anything of great significance. 

One thing that does amaze me though, is that now that I’m off work, some people assume that I’m sitting around doing nothing all day, and that I have all this leisure time on my hands.  I’ve even had people ask me “so what do you do all day, aren’t you bored?”.  My god no !!  These must be those same nutty people that win the lottery and still go back to work for fear of being bored … you know those freaks.  I’m actually amazed at how quickly my day fills up, and I wonder how on earth I got it all accomplished when I had a full time job.  There still is never enough time in the day to get it all done.

Unfortunately nothing to report on the house sale; I had several showings the first few days, a very unproductive open house over the weekend, and no action since then.  However I did have an agent inspection today and now another showing tomorrow, which I suspect is the same agent, so that’s a good sign.  I suppose I’m looking for miracles thinking I should have all these offers pouring in after less than 2 weeks on the market; we’ll call it being anxious rather than impatient ;-)

More good news though … I did get to cross off another big item on my to-do list, creating my functional resume, and that task was a lot harder than I anticipated.  I had done my regular, chronological resume shortly after I lost my job; but applying for jobs in the health and fitness industry require me to submit a functional resume, slightly different from the version we’re used to seeing. 

So the goods news is not only that I got this task completed, but that I had to as I applied for my first job geared towards my new career !!  It seems my blog has turned out to be useful, as a former coworker and friend that reads it regularly got wind of an opportunity and passed it on to me … thanks Linda !!!

To say I’m excited about this job is an understatement.  I wanted to tell them in my cover letter that this was my dream job, but I didn’t.  Enthusiasm is one thing, that statement may have been going a bit overboard.  The job is for a large insurance company that has their own gym in their workplace for their employees – the title is Health and Wellness Coordinator.  This is really everything I could possibly want in a job in this field.  And while I’m excited about this opportunity in particular, I’m trying not to get overly excited about it.  My chances are slim to say the least; I don’t have … well, any of the qualifications they requested in the job posting.  Okay that’s not entirely true, but I don’t have the major qualifications.  I still applied of course, because as they say in the New York Lotto commercials … hey, you never know.

As the title of my blog today states however, I have been presented with some obstacles of sorts that are trying to sway my psyche by tempting me with other more traditional, stable opportunities.  A couple of weeks ago, another friend presented me with a job opportunity where she works.  This company is a major player in the Accounting Auditor field, and the job was for an Accounting Manager.  I don’t know why, but I sent in my resume, then did a brief phone interview, and then they asked me in for another in-person interview.  I agreed at first, then after some major decision making in my head, I called and cancelled the appointment. 

I mentioned this to another friend at lunch one day last week, and she told me I was crazy :(  She said I was nuts to pass up a good opportunity that I likely had a very good chance of getting, especially when jobs are so hard to come by these days, and especially to give it up for something that is very risky and likely very hard to make a decent living at … damn her for putting those thoughts in my head !!  Am I crazy?  Was I a fool to pass up this opportunity ??  I dunno.  All I know was that if I went to the interview and they offered me the job I’d be tempted, and if I took the job, I would never realize my dream.  People have told me that perhaps I need to do that just to tide me over until I complete my courses, then perhaps I can start by doing some of the fitness stuff part-time, but personally I think that’s just a cop out.  I know deep down inside of me that if I do that, I’ll get in that comfort zone again, and I’ll never complete these courses and will just live out the rest of my days in a job that I hate, just because it’s there and it’s easy and it’s comfortable.  I’ve been avoiding even looking for jobs like that for this exact reason.

I think I just need to avoid these negative people.  No offence to my friends that are telling me this, I know their intentions are good, but I think some people are just risk takers and some are not.  Those non-risk takers think much like my father and the advice he repeated to me and my siblings since we were kids.  You finish high school, you get a job, and you stay there forever.  Although I decided on my own and went anyways, post-secondary education was not expected of me.  Being happy, enjoying your work, or feeling fulfilled are all just pipe dreams and inconsequential.  If you find a stable job that pays half decent, stay there forever until you die. I think I've been fighting this theory unconsciously my whole life. With the exception of my last job that I held for 11 years, my resume is thickly padded with my previous jobs, as there were many and I changed them often. I left those jobs for various reasons, but it always boiled down to me not being happy or fulfilled. I don’t blame dad, he’s just a victim of a time when this was the norm, so I tried, in vain, to explain to him that these days we don’t have to settle, we have options, and being happy is one of them !!

Then just this week I got another message from a friend and reader of my blog, offering another job opportunity as a Controller.  This one however, I may consider, because it’s temporary.  The job is actually replacing her, as she is on leave right now, so they are looking to hire a temp until she returns to work.  I corresponded with the owner of the company via email yesterday, and will be calling him and possibly meeting to discuss the opportunity further.  He is aware that I’m not really looking for an Accounting job and of my intentions to change careers, so it won’t hurt to discuss things, and maybe even arrange some part-time work ??  We’ll see I guess. 

I suppose under normal circumstances I’d be thrilled that these job opportunities are coming my way without any real effort on my part, but right now they are just blurring my vision and messing with my head.  I need to look past these obstacles, be strong and keep my eye on the prize !!

The Devil is in the Details

Thanks to my friend Paul who sent me this link after reading my last blog.  Good call ;)

But no more !!  I completed my self-appointed homework assignment and detailed a to-do list for myself. Actually I created two lists; one for daily tasks to push myself out of this laziness rut, and another to help me along the path of enlightenment as I persue my dreams.

My daily tasks include studying for each of my courses for 1 to 1 1/2 hours per day, so a total of 2 to 3 hours of hitting the books. Also on this list is gym time and meal preparation. This may sound selfish, but I don't want this pursuit to take over my life to the effect that my diet and workouts suffer. It took me a very long time to get to this place, and it took a lot of hard work and dedication on my part. When I've yo-yo'd with my weight in the past and been on the upper end of the weight roller coaster, I got seriously depressed and angry with myself for my failures. This time I vowed never to put the weight back on and get back to that ugly place in my life.  And I’ve seen the downward spiral more times than I’d like to admit; when you start to feel down about a certain aspect of your life, everything else seems to suffer as a consequence, so I need to keep motivated and feeling good about myself in order to accomplish all of my planned tasks.

It always seems when people are crunched for time in their lives and need to sacrifice something in order to free up precious minutes or hours, exercise and/or diet are the first to go. The number one excuse for not exercising is "I don't have the time". Okay, I made up that little statistic just now, but I'm willing to bet it's true.  

So ... my daily list includes both meal prep and exercise, in addition to studying. I'm still on that workout program I got from Phat Camp that requires nearly two hours of exercise daily, but I have just one week left and then I'm done. At that point I will cut back some, although I still plan to exercise at least an hour a day, 5-6 days a week :)  The meal prep stuff is easy and I really enjoy it. I got a couple of recipe apps for my iPad, including one called 20 Minute Meals, by famed British chef Jamie Oliver, and the recipes in it are fantastic !!  This is not "diet" chow by any means, but I truly believe a homemade meal can help control your weight over take out any day of the week, assuming of course you watch your portion sizes. Everything in moderation ... right?

Speaking of everything in moderation, you may have read a news article this week about a man who embarked on what they are dubbing "The Twinkie Diet".  A Professor of Nutrition went on a special diet to prove the theory that weight loss is not about cutting out certain types of foods, but rather it's all about calories in vs. calories out. Take in less calories than you expend and you will lose weight, plain and simple. To prove his theory however, he went to extremes. His diet consisted of Oreos, Hostess cakes, Little Debbie snacks, sugary cereals, Doritos and of course Twinkies, and he lost 27 pounds over a two month period.

The website where I record my daily calorie intake followed up this story with their own article, comparing his experiment to one conducted a few years earlier. Two college students, both studying nutrition, ate nothing but junk food for one month, however they watched their portions sizes while doing so, making sure not to go over their required caloric needs. The male and female subjects started out healthy and fit and remained so after 30 days of nothing but fast food; their experiment and subsequent film was called Portion-Size Me but nicknamed The Junk Food Diet, and was a follow up to the infamous documentary Super Size Me.

Both these experiments back up my own personal theory that you really can eat anything you want, as long as you control your portions, and still lose weight. Of course there are other things to consider, such as fat and cholesterol levels and all those other nasty side effects of high fat, high sugary diets, but these tests were done simply to prove the cause of the increasing obesity epidemic .... people are simply eating too much !!!  Not too much carbs or too much fat or too much junk, just too much of everything.

How cool would it be to be the guinea pig in those experiments ??  Hmmm, maybe it's something I could try ... just for the purpose of properly advising my clients of course ;)

But back to my lists.  The second list was more for the bigger, one time tasks. Like prepping my house to sell, researching new jobs and places to live, putting together a functional resume etc. I prioritized these tasks and gave them each deadlines.  Top priority of course is getting everything in my house ready to list. No point in researching new places to live until I have my house sold. I also delayed the resume, new job/home research and budget until after this first task was completed.

I'm happy to say that after a lot of hard work, mostly physical labour on my part, I completed all the duties for my first big task, and listed my house this weekend :)  It officially went on the MLS today and I have my first showing tomorrow. Yippie !!!  I'm very excited about this, as it's the first step in actually making my dream a reality.  I'm still scared to death; all those unanswered questions continue to linger, but at the same time I'm excited to move forward with this new phase of my life. I only hope I sell quickly. As soon as I have a confirmed offer in hand I'll start on the next items on my big to-do list; figuring out my new budget and therefore where I want to work and live.

Oh ya, and I did well in my daily to-do list also. I didn't quite reach my goal of 2-3 hours of studying daily, but I did some every day; at least an hour, sometimes two. Like the baby steps mantra claims, I felt much better having done something rather than nothing and this makes me feel more positive and driven to get results.

It seems I’ve finally gotten my new life underway.  I guess you can say, the devil made me do it.

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory

I seriously need to come up with a plan of attack. I naively thought by "putting it out there" ... admitting in my blog that I'd lost my motivation, that perhaps it would light a fire under me and get me going - remember my whole theory on accountability ??  It didn't work. I still have not picked up either text book in quite some time now.

My mood is better though, I'm not feeling sad and depressed like the last time I blogged, but the laziness factor still lingers heavily.  And I really think that's what it is, pure and simple laziness, at least in part. My house painting was completed on Thursday, so I figured I'd give it at least a full day to dry thoroughly and then start on the clean up over the weekend.  I'll give you one guess how far I got with that. Just before the painter left I took advantage of the furniture being moved and did some major cleaning in behind where it normally sits, but left the rest as he still needed to track through with messy drop cloths and all his painter tools. I put back the furniture but left my cleaning supplies in the middle of the room as I planned to continue after he was gone, and that is where they remain today.

So I haven't cleaned or further prepped my house for sale, and I haven't studied at all in well over a week, maybe two. I did however, manage to keep up with my 2 hour training regimen with shameless enthusiasm, and now I sit here writing in my blog when I should really be doing something more productive.  WTF is wrong with me ???  I think I've lost my mojo :(

I suspect it's actually a combination of factors that are contributing to my loss of enthusiasm.

First and foremost I really do feel laziness has a lot to do with it. This is literally the first time I've been out of work since I was a teenager. I got my first job at McDonald's when I was 14. I had to lie about my age as the legal age to work then was 15, but my $10 a week allowance wasn't cutting it so I took matters into my own hands. From that moment on I have always worked.  Throughout high school and college I had part-time jobs, full-time in the summers, and immediately upon graduating from college I began to work full-time and never looked back.  Even the other times I lost my job I always jumped back into the employment market almost immediately.  Did I mention this is the third time I've been fired on the spot and escorted to the exits ??  You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

And this is going to sound odd, but I think the package I got from my last employer is what's causing my laziness.  Right now I don't need to be working, and while many friends have commented on how I should take advantage of that situation, I think there's a fine line. I guess this whole career change thing is definitely something I couldn't do otherwise, but the whole point is I really need to get that going. I won't be getting paid to sit at home forever, and we all know how quickly time flies right?  I need that fire under my ass to get me in gear again, but the cushion of a separation package seems to be fanning the flames. Anyone got a match?

Another reason for my lacklustre motivation is fear.  I still don't know where I'm going to live, where I'm going to work or how much money I'll make ... will it be enough to survive?  I know all my motivational readings tell me to ignore the fear, to be prepared to fail, perhaps many times, but eventually you'll realize your dreams.  And while I hear ya, and I truly want to believe this, sometimes that fear can be almost paralyzing.  Especially when for the most part, I'm going it alone.

The final factor is again, the overwhelming feeling of what lies ahead. I have soooooo much to do, but I just can't get organized enough to get it all going.  This is why I started off saying I need a plan of attack. I wake up each morning with no plan, and this does not sit well with me. I also think I put way to much pressure on myself.  I feel like if I don’t accomplish something major in a given day, then I’ve failed, so I’d rather not attempt it and face failure as opposed to just doing what I can.  I think I need to take the advice of Bill Murray in “What About Bob?” … baby steps.  I need to realize that I’m not Superwoman, and that every little step down the path brings me closer to my goals, and is all part of the process to help me realize success.  Sort of what the title of my blog today implies doesn't it ??  Why is it so easy in theory but so hard to put into action?

My homework assignment for tonight is to come up with yet another to-do list, detailing all the tasks I feel I need to accomplish in the coming months in order to reach my goals.  I need to prioritize them, depending of course on the urgency of the task and the timeline, and then come up with a detailed plan organizing my day so that I can whittle away at the list and finally get ‘er done.  I will put this plan into action tomorrow, since it’s Monday, and that always seems to be the magical day we start fresh with renewed vigor and enthusiasm … right ?!?!

But most importantly I need to remind myself that despite my inner braggart, I’m not perfect and will find failure along the way, but that’s okay.  The great Winston Churchill was once quoted as saying “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm”.  Let’s hope the Brits got it right this time.

"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers

I've lost my inspiration again :(  I swear it's these damn mood swings. If it weren't for the warnings of my former boss (not the mofo who fired me but the one before that), I'd swear it was hormonal.  It's getting tiring to be honest with you.

I haven't opened either textbook in over a week, and although I wake up each morning with studying high on my to-do list, I quickly fill my day with other mundane tasks and before you know it the day is done and the dust on my books start to thicken.  I find myself attending to tasks I normally hate; housework, yard work ... I even cleaned out my garage this weekend - anything to escape the monotony of studying.

And it's not that I don't like the material, to be honest I've been enjoying the reading and find it fascinating so far. Perhaps it's just that overwhelming feeling of knowing what lies ahead. When I relate it to dieting, which seems appropriate, I recall how it felt when I was at my fattest, and knowing what my goals were at the time. I knew I wanted to lose about 30 pounds, and that seemed like such an insurmountable task.  I can't even imagine how someone who has to lose 100 pounds or more must feel, knowing they have such a long, hard road in front of them.

However 2 years ago when I started on my weight loss journey, I found the strength and drive to persevere, so I'm hoping I can do the same now. I remember at the time wondering what it is that clicks inside a person to help you finally succeed.  How many times do we start a task or journey only to stumble and fall?  Then suddenly one day we try yet again, but for some strange reason, this time it works.  If I could figure out that great mystery in life and bottle it, I'm sure I could retire tomorrow.

I'm also feeling depressed again. It brings to mind a variation on the classic chicken and egg dilemma ... is my depression causing me to slack in my studies, or is my lack of enthusiasm causing my depression?  Either way I keep going back and forth into this funk. I wish it would just stop and I could be happy all the time.  I've been trying to read back all the inspirational messages from my books, but so far with limited success.

On a brighter note, I have been moving forward with some of my other initiatives. I'm writing this now on my iPad, locked up in my bedroom as the painter is here and I'm without my computer for a few days. He should be done tomorrow, then the house will get a major cleaning, and then I will be ready to list; my real estate agent has been waiting patiently in the wings.

I am also conducting a bit of an experiment with regards to my workouts – let’s call it research shall we? :)  I started a new exercise program last week, and to be honest, it's kicking the shit outta me. When I attended Phat Camp last month they provided us with detailed workouts and diet plans for beginner, intermediate and advanced users. Of course me and my big ego jumped right on board with the advanced program … 5 days a week of weight training, working a different body part each day for nearly an hour, plus 6 full days of one hour cardio training.  I'm in the gym for 2 solid hours, 5 days a week, plus one full hour on the 6th day. I get one day a week off for rest. Good thing I'm not working !!  But it's just a 4 week program so I thought I'd give it a shot as the timing is perfect. Spending 2 hours in the gym almost daily is not an easy task when you're working full-time, and November is the perfect month, no holidays or special events to get in the way.

I refuse however, to follow the diet that came with the program.  For starters ... BORING !!!  There are two meal plans, one you follow for the first two weeks and one for the second two weeks.  But each of those plans is the same diet each and every day for two full weeks. Kill me, kill me now. This is one area where I refuse to compromise.  If I were trying to train for something specific or some sort of competition then maybe I could painfully follow along for a brief period of time. Or perhaps that's why I don't train or compete ?!?!  But besides being boring, it's way too restrictive, and I think we all know how I feel about that.  Very little carbs, protein shakes, no alcohol (good freaking lord !!), and one cheat meal per week. But get this … their recommended cheat meals are things like chicken fajitas with brown rice and a small dessert, or a salmon wrap with veggies and a small dessert. Honey that ain't a cheat meal, that's everyday eating for me.  If you wanna see my idea of a cheat meal, read my last blog entry :D

Anyway, I'll stick to my regular eating habits and just follow the suggested training plans and see where that gets me. 

My biggest experiment however is with supplements. They gave us free samples of some of the product they sell at Phat Camp, so I ordered a couple to give them a try. I say it's an experiment because normally I don't take any supplements, ever. Been there, done that. I do firmly believe if you exercise regularly and eat a pretty clean diet with lots of variety, you don't need to supplement. However I figured if I want to become a nutritionist, what better way to advise my clients than through experience rather than just assumption. 

I didn't go overboard or anything, no crazy miracle fat burner pills or anything like that, I just bought two simple and natural products.  One is a powder you mix with water and drink just prior to your workout. It's supposed to provide energy and mental focus to get you through the tough workouts ahead, and man are they tough. The second product is also a powder that you sip during your workout, and it's supposed to help with recovery.  It claims to do a lot more too, stuff I won't bore you with that's more at the cellular level, but recovery is the one that should be obvious to me immediately.  In other words, I won't be as tired or sore after my workout.

I've taken both as recommended for one full week now, and so far the verdict is not good. I still need to drag my ass to the gym and fight my way through every minute of my now 2 hour long workout, and when I'm done my workout I'm thoroughly exhausted. I'm not sure if it's all in the attitude, my sister bought the same recovery drink and swears after her boot camp class she felt great when she usually feels completely beat up, but I can honestly say I haven't noticed a difference. And all these other claims they make that does stuff at the cellular level? Well that's the problem with those types of claims; there really is no way to prove if they deliver. If I can stick with the program for the full 4 weeks it's almost guaranteed I will see some changes in my body, but are those changes because of the supplements or because I ramped up my routine big time?

Which brings us back to that familiar dilemma. So what did come first, the chicken or the egg ???

This little piggy went to market

Does anyone remember this notorious ad campaign by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America waaaaaaay back in the 80’s ??  I found this poster online that I feel better represents my own brain. And I find it somewhat ironic that this spoof on the ad uses bacon in their version of the renowned campaign.  Mmmmmm, bacon :)

I’m going to allow you to delve into my bacon-soaked brain for a moment here, just to let you witness first hand my obsession with food, exercise and all things related, as well as to reveal the true sickness that goes hand-in-hand with said obsession.  You know what they say - admitting you have a problem is the first step in healing.

I know Halloween is over, but I feel I should warn you … be afraid, be very afraid.

This weekend I attended an out of town wedding for my nephew and his now beautiful new bride.  I spent a good part of last week getting prepared for the wedding, putting aside all my daily chores and studying (oops !!) in favour of shopping and getting all girlied-up for the big event.  Countless trips to the mall in search of the perfect dress, shoes and matching jewelery, fresh highlights in my hair, waxing, pedicure, manicure … the list goes on.  Perhaps my obsession is not limited to diet and exercise - could there be a bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder lying just beneath the surface ?!?!

I knew going into the weekend that it would be a diet free-for-all with Saturday being a travel day and an overnight stay at the resort, and Sunday coming back home to celebrate Halloween.  I made sure the week leading into it I kept my diet pretty clean (with the exception of those few raids on my Halloween goodies) and got in a good dose of exercise to boot.  I accepted and celebrated the fact that I could enjoy my weekend without worrying about my diet or getting to the gym, and that I could just have fun and not even think about counting calories or planning my workouts.

And this is where the obsession and sickness that routinely invade my cranium begins.

Knowing that I’m the type of person that typically eats every few hours, and because of that get ravenously hungry if I miss just one meal, I packed a small cooler bag to bring up to the hotel with me, not knowing the area or if I’d have the opportunity to grab snacks in between festivities.  I had a small breakfast before I left the house, then packed a PB&J sandwich and a box of granola bars to take along … that and a full one litre bottle of perfectly chilled Grey Goose vodka.  Fitness and nutrition gurus worldwide would be proud of my bag of travel goodies !!!  Okay, maybe not.

To make a long story short, that sandwich and one granola bar were all I ate for the remainder of the day. Well that and copious amounts of vodka rocks back at my hotel room in the 3 hour break between the ceremony and the reception. I don't know how much I drank, but it was obviously too much. I won't go into all the dirty details (although any readers of this blog who have partied with me in the past have likely witnessed this ugly and embarrassing side of me), but I missed out on dinner :(  The good news is, after some TLC and tough love from a couple of my sisters and my brother-in-law, I made it back to the party ready and raring to go. After a good dose of well deserved ribbing from the rest of my family and a quick chat with my daddy to reassure him that I am not in fact, an alcoholic, I finally found my second wind.  The remainder of the night I was a dancing fool, and in fine Trevellin fashion we closed the place, leaving only after the DJ announced the last song and thanked us for coming out.

Upon returning to the hotel I realized I was completely famished, and there was no way I was going to bed feeling that way. A late night McDonald's run was in order, and it didn't take much to convince my drunken teenage niece to join me.  Between me, her and her sister our tally was $24 ... how the hell do you spend $24 at McDonald's between 3 small girls ???  Easy when one of them, me of course, orders 2 combos. I don't think I have ever in my life eaten at McDonald's and ordered just one combo for myself. I usually get two, or at the very least one combo and an extra sandwich.  I quickly inhaled my food and immediately settled in for a couple hours sleep.

Sadly, my Big Mac attack and excessive alcohol consumption on Saturday is not the diet free-for-all I referred to earlier.  That, my friends, came on Sunday.

Here, in a nutshell, is my food consumption over the course of the day on Halloween Sunday:

• Breakfast buffet at the hotel - bacon, eggs, toast, home fries, pancakes and coffee 
• KFC for lunch - as promised I tried their new Double Down sandwich. If you don't know it's a sandwich of bacon, cheese and some sort of gooey mayonnaise based sauce sandwiched between two thick pieces of deep fried chicken. Yes, the chicken IS the bun.  And in my infamous all-or-nothing style, I decided to combo it with a large order of poutine. Heaven on earth, that's all I gotta say :) 
• Pre-dinner snack - Taco Bell's Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme. Hey, it was one of those KFC/Taco Bell combo joints, so I figured while I was there ... 
• Pre-dinner drink - one of the king cans of Creemore beer that someone foolishly left in my hotel room 
• Dinner at Jack Astor's - the newly married couple stayed over Sunday evening so I took them out to dinner.  Two shared appetizers and a massive plate of Pad Thai, and of course more beer. Even my nephew, who is half my age and has nearly 100 pounds on me, said he was impressed with how much food I could put away. What a proud Auntie :) 
• Dessert - I sort of lost count, but at least 5 bags of the now leftover Halloween chips, and I don't even know how many miniature chocolate bars. At this point I was simply shoveling the food in while literally feeling sick to my stomach. But that didn't stop me ... I knew Monday morning I would be back to clean eating and the gym, so I had to get it all in while I could.

While I'm happy to say I did bounce back quickly Monday morning and returned to my clean eating and exercise routine (and I gave away all my leftover goodies to the kids across the street), it scares me when I have days like this.  As mentioned before I think it proves that my obsession with diet, exercise and my weight is truly necessary. Even after 2 years of keeping the weight off, these type of weekends stand out as a stark reminder that I can easily fall back into my old bad habits at any given moment. The massive food consumption I just described used to be the norm for me ... and I wonder how I got fat !!!

I also got back to studying again this week, so perhaps reading this book on nutrition will open my eyes to the negative effects these bad foods can actually have on my body.

Doubtful.

Growing up Gluttonous

I find it somewhat ironic that as I sit here studying my first course, perusing "Nutrition: The Complete Guide", that I'm chowing down on Doritos, Cheetos, M&M's, Peanut Butter Cups and more.  Perhaps I didn't time this properly; starting a course on nutrition the week before Halloween may not have been my brightest idea. I bought my Halloween candies a good two weeks ago and I did so well the first week, but then the Doritos started to call out to me, begging me to release them from their not-so-tightly-sealed cardboard coffin. I finally gave in to their taunting and opened the box, and before long the bag of miniature chocolate bars also succumbed to my desires.

It's funny how I shop for Halloween goodies, quite contrary to the tips I've read on my countless excursions online, attempting to quench my thirst of information for all things related to health and fitness.  Instead of buying candies I don't like in order to resist temptation, I only buy the stuff that I love and crave.  Only name brand potato chips and cheese puffs and tortilla chips for this gal ... and it's the larger 28g bags too, not those skimpy little two bite wannabes. And since Halloween is one of my favourite holidays, I give each little visitor to my door a bag of chips AND a candy bar ... needless to say I'm very well liked by the neighbourhood kids ;)

I think the reason Halloween is my favourite holiday is because it conjures up such wonderful memories from my childhood. I remember barely being able to contain the excitement of being able to dress up and go door-to-door getting free candy from my neighbours ... what a concept !!!  And I honestly don't remember being all that excited about dressing up in funny costumes - for me, it was all about the goods :)  And did I use grocery bags or those pathetic little plastic pumpkin carriers to load up the goodies ??  Puh-lease !!  Only an oversized pillowcase would fit the bill, and I even recall in later years coming home to empty it before heading out for more.  Can you say glutton ???

Perhaps it was because we never really had junk food in the house growing up. Although as mentioned previously, we ate very well as kids and I suspect our abundant feedings contributed to my lifelong issues with weight, we only indulged in home cooking and we were rarely allowed treats or junk food.  We never ate fast food all that much either. Once a week, after church on Sunday, my dad would pick up a couple of buckets of KFC for lunch, and occasionally we'd order pizza to nosh on while we all huddled around the basement television watching Hockey Night in Canada. But that was it; McDonald's or Chinese food or anything take-out was unheard of in our household.

I remember when my big brother was old enough to drive and would take a trip to McD's on occasion, I would practically beg him to take me along as it was such an enormous treat. Oddly to this day, I never eat KFC anymore.  I can’t remember the last time I had a piece of the Colonel's chicken, although I have to admit I'm dying of curiosity about their new and largely controversial sandwich, The Double Down. If I were a betting man, I'd put a large sum on the odds I'll be trying that monstrosity in the very near future.

It's amazing how instilling a good habit with your children can still backfire though.  Perhaps it’s a good lesson to parents not to completely forbid certain treats or types of foods to their kids; they may only end up craving it and seeking it out when they are older, and it could cause adverse effects in their future.  Everything in moderation is my motto.

But back to Halloween … for some reason that motto is very hard for me to keep under control this time of year.  Normally I don’t eat that much in the way of junk food, and it doesn’t even tempt me in the least.  I can stand in line at the grocery store staring at the cleverly placed goodies near the register, luring customers to that last minute impulse buy, and never even give it a second thought.  But every year on Halloween I eat so much of the shit I literally feel sick to my stomach.  And this year it’s even worse.  I don’t usually open the boxes until Halloween night, when I allow myself a one night junk food free-for-all.  But this year the seals were opened a little prematurely, and I’ve been snacking on several goodies each night this week. 

Boredom?  Stress??  Gluttony???  Who knows.

This does serve as an important reminder though; that even though I feel I’ve finally found the solution to successful and permanent weight loss, my lifelong all-or-nothing behaviour is still lurking in the background and could rear it’s ugly head at any given moment.  I shall use this experience as a lesson to never lose my awareness of this fact, and know that this really is a permanent lifestyle change.  Damn :(

 

For now I have one last issue to tackle … leftovers.  The amount of gremlins knocking on my door can vary from year to year, anywhere from 80-140 visitors in just the one night.  And given my love for the holiday I always make sure I’m well stocked, so I bought enough for 150 kids … minus my minor thefts of course :)  In prior years I would bag up any remaining goodies the very next day and bring them in to the office where they would quickly disappear, but now that I’m not working, I could be in big trouble.  The kids on my street may be holding a parade in my honour as I’ll likely knock on their doors the following day dispensing any excess treats.  Either that or I’ll make sure I finish everything that night and “start fresh” November 1^st ;-)

Happy Halloween !!! :)